Epiphany

I sometimes view this blog as a form of catharsis, so I apologize to all because I really have to vent.

So I wrote an actuarial exam in Norwalk, CT. Fucking brutal.

I must admit I’m not the best exam-taker. All too often, I work too fast, or don’t read the entire question properly, because I buckle under the pressure of time constraints. About partway thru, I start to curse the examining body/Prof for putting together this monstrosity (because exams always seem more difficult when you write them) and I get frustrated and flustered and quasi-give up. And then I start to have distracting thoughts running thru my head, inhibiting me from focusing on the questions at hand.

This is not the first time this has happened. In fact, it’s happened all too often, where I’ll gloss over some material figuring ”this isn’t likely to be tested” or “no this can’t be worth much, so why waste time figuring out this crap?” So I’ll defer it. Then BAM! What happens? The crap that I only gloss over is on the exam. Why does this always happen to me? I have lousy luck.

The two-month exam prep process, though, was oddly therapeutic. It gave me a sense of direction and purpose for two months. There was always something there for me to do. It was even enjoyable at times, because there’s a sense of satisfaction derived from solving a problem for the first time. But now I have loads of free time, 6 or so more weeks here, and not really much else to do, so I’m in a state of flux. What to do, what to do?

When you spend months preparing and fuck up, it takes something out of you. Now I know how a 4th place Olympian feels - you feel winded, like a part of your soul has been chewed up and tossed aside. So I felt really empty and hollow the last couple of days. A part of me keeps repeating – "Sen, you fucked up royally. This was a golden opportunity. You had all this free time, free of distractions in a city with not really much to do, and you had two amazing colleagues who were also writing the same exam with whom you could have consulted, and you squander it! What’s the matter with you?!”

But a part of me says context is everything. Most people take two, some three, some even more than four attempts to pass this exam. Hell, the two aforementioned colleagues, both grads, were both writing the exam for the second time, and with the benefit of seminars to boot! Moreover, cumulatively, the two of them had each likely put double the amount of time I had into preparation. So no need to feel bad...

But looking at the questions of the now-released exam, they look pretty easy and doable. Why wasn’t I able to get them? There were at least three questions in which I had the equation set up right, but couldn't solve because I couldn't get the mechanics of the integration to work out! (Like what are they assessing here really - one's comprehension of insurance principles or one's ability to integrate by parts!?) And moreover, of the 40 questions, why did they have to put 6 fairly simple questions on content that I merely glossed over!? Why couldn’t they test the junk that I knew really well!? (Like asset shares, expense reserves, recursion…) This always happens, and no doubt I'm pissed about it.

So I feel that these duelling forces are doing battle within me. It's a real psychological contest of wills.

So last night, I called mom for the first time (mom usually calls me). Admittedly, it was for consolation and yes, I did feel a lot better afterwards. It’s hard, but failure is something one must learn to contend with; it’s a character-building process, part of what forms who you are as a person. You suffer through a setback, you mope, you learn from it, and you move on. I coasted thru grade school, middle school and high school - things always worked out for me. So adjusting to UW was a shock, because I felt I had this seemingly infallible failure-immunity quality, and now really, for the first time, I had to cope with failure. That was the biggest adjustment, and I’m still adjusting. (Hence the periodic rants against UW, usually coinciding with exam time.)

But hell, when your co-ethnics from your country of origin are struggling to get by owing to the political situation there, fucking up an exam, in the grander scheme of things, doesn't amount to a hill of beans; I will take it as a $300, numerous-hour learning experience and hopefully some good can from it… (Like, don’t be a wise guy and try to predict the exam. Study EVERYTHING!) I will not fuck up come May.